Mini Vacation :)

It's been great to have Tj back at home even though it's for just a little bit, it's better then nothing. It's been a crazy week I must say. We are due to move form the apartment here at the end of the month, we were going to move to another apartment complex, but we looked at the housing list and saw that we moves up on the list and that we could get a house in the middle of our lease and that we might have to decline it!!! So I called the housing office and talked to them and explained the situation and the girl said that if we changed the date for when we needed a house that we might be able to get a house sooner! So we did and next thing we know we get a call from the manager saying that there is a house available for move in March 29!! 2 bedroom 1.5 bath!! Tj and I are so excited!! :) we have can't see the inside because it's being fixed but we are hoping it's not to bad the house was build in 1997 and it look great. We keep it positive and reminding each other that this is no the house we are going to live in for the rest of our lives and that financially it just best! Besides a house it's what you make it I think that if we decorate it really nice and take good care it of it would be great. Another thing to keep in mind is that Tj is not very high raking so with ranking comes luxury lol :) We are just very excited to be able to say we have a house, a yard for Bella to play in and enough room to have people over.
  
    Aside from the house news, TJ was able to take some leave before he deploys so we decided to have a weekend get away to Washington DC. This is the first time we go on a vacation together just him and I. :) we are so exciting to be able to do something we want and to spend some time together just him and I. Specially knowing that he is deploying for six months and at any point during those six months I could be going to basic :) I must say my process to joining the Airforce is very slow lol my appointment for meps keeps getting pushed back.  I was finally able to take my ASVAB and pass it!! I was so scared lol now is just a matter being able to make it to meps. With only having one card and TJ working we have to find a time when tj is off work and I can take the car I unfortunately have to drive myself there. I'm hoping that all the process is done soon before Tj leaves so that we can at least have an idea of what is going on. NO MATTER how long this takes I will make this happen :)

No way one can explain!

    When you get married to someone that's in the military all you ever hear is "it's going to be hard, you will have to work extra hard at making it work". It's true! When someone gets married to someone in the military there is a lot that one has to be prepared for. Nights alone, being able to take care of things on your own, keeping good communication, and staying strong. No matter how much they explain it, no matter how much someone prepares for deployment, there is no way to explain the actual feelings that are there once it happens, once you are actually going through it.
     Tj has been gone for a week, and I prepared my self for this, I told my self many times that it was going to be hard, to stay strong. Don't get me wrong, I am staying strong and I am okay but that doesn't mean I don't get frustrated and that I am not hurting because he isn't here. I get to talk to him everyday and that's great but that's not what I miss. I miss having him physically here with me, within arms reach. I really hope I am not the only one that feels this way. Some days are harder then others. Sometimes I just want to run and scream, because I want him home. I don't know where I would run ..lol but that's all I want to do...run. I can only assume I want to run to him. (It would be a hard run from here Virginia to Nevada lol )

     It's very hard to be away from Tj. I can only TRY to explain the feelings. When I dropped him off so he could go to that training, I felt like a piece of my heart was taken, and now there's this hole that cannot be filled.  Talking to him, texting  him doesn't quite do it. Some days I can deal with it and its easy but other days I can't! I just can't bring myself to ignore that hole that's there. I just miss him sooo much that it hurts, it hurts like if someone is making that hole bigger, and I just don't know what to do. All I want to do is run and scream and cry and beg for him to hurry up and come home. Sometimes I feel silly for feeling that way because I am sure there are other wives who are going through worse. But whether is two weeks or a year, when the person you love is not there...the feelings are the same.Everyday I miss him a little too much.  I try my best at keeping strong but sometimes I just can't. I think about trying to think about not thinking how far away he is, but instead I think about him more, I miss him even more...  All I want is a phone call or a text..I get it...but realize that it's not what I need it's not filling that hole that's there...I try to get a full night sleep, but I can't because I didn't get my good night kiss and I find myself waking up in the middle of the night missing him and feeling the bed trying to find him, and feeling cold because he isn't there to keep me warm...I wake up in the morning he isn't there, I go to the store I come home to an empty apartment, and on a day that I feel like I can't do it anymore, all I do is cry without even knowing. Tears just fall down my face and I can't stop it. I miss him and I just can't help but to hurt, but to feel like something big is missing.   No one can understand what is like to miss someone that much, the only possible people that can, are those strangers that we meet online called MILSOs because they are going through the same thing. They understand what is like to worry all day, to wait days for a phone call, to have to to take care of everything because he is gone, to have to adjust to him not being there. They are the only ones that can understand having him gone for weeks, getting destroyed emotionally because you have to say good bye and then have him home for a few more weeks and then doing it all over again, having to say good bye and get that hole in the heart feeling all over again, but that time you have to say good bye for longer so it's one thousand times harder. Only they can understand what is like to love that some one so much, that it hurts, that distance means nothing, and only makes the love and relationship stronger...
   Sometimes I think that we live in a movie or a fairy tale that resets every year. We find the person we love , our hero, our prince charming the person we can't be without. They deploy we miss them like crazy we go crazy trying to keep busy, we write emails, we get phone calls when possible, we send care packages with their favorite things, we promise every time to wait for them here at home, to be home when they get home, and most of all to be strong, and then after that deployment is over we get our Fairy tale happy ending. We are happy because they are home, we kept our promises and patiently waited for him to come home; we get to get all dresses up and ready to go pick them up at the base, like they show at the movies the part where we see them and we run to them ...until six months later the story resets and we have to do it all over again. But as much as we don't want to hear it, we knew what we were getting into when we married a military man. We knew it was going to be hard, but once again no matter how much we know, or how much we prepare, things always feel different when you are going through them.  But the love is so strong, that we wouldn't change it for anything in the world.

Pre-deployment...

    So I've been busy this past few weeks so it's been hard to sit down, and write my thoughts. Plus as we military wives know when the husband is going to pre deployment training or TDY even for just two weeks we want to spend as much time as possible with him. Well... that's my case.
     My husband left Saturday at 3am to Vegas for pre deployment training. As much as I told myself it's only two weeks, and you will be able to talk to him and text him, I have to admit still hard. This is the first time since my husband got out of tech school that I have to be away from him, not sleep in the same bed as him, not be able to see him every day, or even text him all day. It has been a little bit of an adjustment. I had gotten in a routine, he would go to work come home and I would get to spend the evening with him, and on his days off I would spend it with him. And now that I come home to an empty apartment, and not being able to go to bed with him and spend most of the day alone it's a bit scary for when actual deployment gets here.
   It's only been two days since he left. The first day was hard, it was a Saturday I didn't have to work, so I spend it at home watching Army Wives eating junk food LOL and today well I had a friend come over and we had dinner and worked on a little deployment project we had planned...Bella (the dog) has been a little sad she waits by the door and sometimes won't even leave my side. It's weird but I think she knew that TJ was leaving because the day he was packing she would not leave his side and follow him everywhere! Even on the way to drop him off usually she waits for me on everything but that day all she wanted to do was be next to him and walk by his side, and for the first time ever she cried the whole time we were driving off base weird I know but I"m not lying. It amazes me how much dogs know without you even telling them. I think that the time difference it's going to be a pain in the butt!!! `8 hour difference it's crazy I am hoping that I can like work it out and still have time to talk to him and not affect his hours.
  Even though it's only a 2 week TDY and I know that I can talk to him, it's hard and this is helping me understand a little more what deployment will be like. I didn't actually hit me that TJ was leaving until he walked in with all his gear. It was then that I realized there was no turning back, there was nothing I could do he had to deploy. The feeling I had I can't really explain, I just felt like someone had slapped me back to reality and said "hello, wake up this is really happening" as much as we talked about it, as much as I tried to prepare myself, it didn't actually hit me until he brought the bags home. At that point all I wanted to do was spend time with him and make the last few days count.
     When I dropped him off at the squadron, so that he can get on the bus and leave for training the whole way there I was telling myself " Don't cry it's only a two week TDY, don't cry, don't cry" I was very quiet it on the ride there so quiet that Tj kept asking me "are you alright? you are like staring into space" reality was if I said something I was going to cry, I was just telling my self don't cry. I wanted, and have to be strong for him. We have no choice he can't worry about things that are happening or even about me being okay. His head has to be in the game and paying attention at all times, this training is what is going to keep him safe in case something were to happen he needs to pay attention. When he came back from picking up his weapon, he grabbed his bags and put them by the bus so that they can be loaded. He came back to say bye. He hugged me and kissed me and said I love you. I wasn't crying but I was shocked up and I had to make an extra effort to make my words come out of my mouth. I got back in the car and left. I was preparing myself since we got news that he was deploying, but the reality of this is that when the moment is there, you don't know what you are going to do or how you are going to react. After I left I cried my eyes out. I honestly couldn't figure out why. It made me feel better lol!
   But I believe that by keeping busy it will help to make time go by fast, and off thinking about being so far apart. Having friend over and friends that one can rely on will so be a big help. Thank God that I will have Micah and Keirstin for support. Deployments, TDYs, or anything that requires to be away from my Airman will NEVER be easy, but with time your get stronger and you learn new ways to deal with him being away, and the distance.