The last push is the hardest.

As this deployment, is almost coming to an end I feel like it's getting hard. Maybe because I am so over being at home alone and waiting. I know I know "you knew what you were getting yourself into, get used to this is only the first one" but I still have the right to at some point stop being so strong and just let myself deal with the emotion as they come. Right now I fee frustrated and angry that time can't go any faster. I think that the hardest part is trying to keep busy to make time go by faster on in my case to not think about time. But even then I still feel like I can't do this last push. It almost feels like I am about to go crazy, all I want to do is scream and kick or something even cry my eyes out. I think is safe to say that I've become very emotional! I try to not to show it t Tj. Sometimes miss him so much all I want to do is lay in bed and cry. But I know that not matter how much I cry, or stay down it's not going to make him come home sooner. I just can't seem to be able to shake off this funk off!

 However this  time he has been away I've been able to make great friends, all of which I can't wait to introduce to him when he comes home. We are planning on having this BBQ to welcome him and his team home I'm really hoping that our other friends that are deployed, but not with Tj come home around the same time so we can just have one big BBQ. I never thought I was going to miss friends so much, but with the little time we all spent together before deployment they became my family. Tj new them from Tech school but for me I met them when I got here, and I  love them all like the were real family. I most admit I worry about all of them everyday. When they left it wasn't just my husband that left ALL of them deployed and it was hard admitting to myself that I was alone here. I miss this guys so much and it makes me sick to know that soon after them come home I might be leaving to basic, and won't get to spend too much time with them.

I was always told that when you are in the military, you don't have friends you are all one big family and we all look out for each other. I didn't believe it until now that's exactly what it feels like. We are one big family and we look out for each other, even when they are miles and miles away, they still take time to message me and check in on me to make sure I am okay. Something friends that I have known all my life don't do.


This last push really is the hardest for me, he is so close to coming home yet it feels like he is so far from coming home, from three digit days count down now to double digits. We have come a long way this deployment, it hasn't been easy at all. Now I just pray that, God brings my hubby and his team and our other friends home safe, it's been a long wait they deserve to coming home in one piece!! I'm so beyond ready to have them home!!!

     

Best Mother in law a woman can ask for!

   When I was seven years old my father left, leaving my mom to raise my sister and I. At the time we lived in Costa Rica, my mom was an RN there. I remember her working extra hours, sometimes even pick up a whole extra shift, so that she can pay the bills. She loved working the night shift, because they paid more. One day she sat my sister and I down and said that she was going to travel to the United States, to work and try to give us a better life. My sister and I stayed with my nana  (grandmother) for a year (Later my mom made the decision to move here with us). My nana is like my second mom, I go to her for advice just as much as I go to my mom. Every week I call her and talk to her for an hour or two. Even though she is in Costa Rica distance means nothing to us, we are still very very close. After all the four of us went through a lot together (my mom, sister, nana and I). My nana is a very strong women, she raised eight children all by her self, and she gave them the best life she possibly could. My nana and my mom both are strong women, that would do anything for their children.  I always said my mom and nana are the strongest women I know... That was until I met my mother in law.

   When I met my mother in law I didn't know, that I was going to meet such a wonderful woman. My mother in law was a military wife for nine years, my father in law was in the Marines. She was the daughter of a Army soldier. We are just one big military family! Both sides of Tj's family had someone in the military so it kinda runs in the family. In my country we don't have a military, so I don't have a military background, other than my step dad who's father was in the Army and his brother was in the Air Force.. But back to my mother in law....Like all of us military wives, she followed her husband. She ended up living over seas for some time. While she was there my father in law was deployed most of the time. I can't remember the amount of days he was gone but its was something like 200+ days out of the year, at the time Tj was still a baby, so it was a lot of work for her. being in a foreign country not knowing the language with a baby boy, I can only imagine. After my father in law decided to leave the military they decided to move to Florida where he got his pilots license. (My father in law LOVES to fly) As a pilot he flew a lot and was gone for a day or two at a time.But no matter what my mother in law supported him 100% of the time.

  One day Tj came over and said that his dad was going to be taking another job. We talked for hours about it. The job would require for my father in law to deploy over seas every other three months. The company was contracted by the Air Force and had a project in Afghanistan. Once again my mother in law was some how back to the military life! I'm sure my mother in law didn't want her husband in that field again, but she supported him no matter what. She always stands by him. ( I pray every day, that my marriage with Tj is jut as strong as theirs. No matter what she stands by him, supports him and loves him)

   The first year on the job, Tj was in college so when his dad was deployed his mom had Tj to keep her company. Though I am pretty sure she still worried about her husband, and prayed that he returned home safe. Some where along the way Tj, decided that he was going to join the Air Force. Something they were very proud of him for. They had planned to move closer to where my father in law's job was stationed out of, which was here in Virginia. When Tj left for basic we all hope that when he got is first duty station would be close to them, and sure enough we were stationed here in Langley two hours from them.

  I'm sure my mother in law knew Tj was at some point going to deploy, but I don't think neither of us knew it was going to be so soon. I can't even being to imagine what it feels like to her, to have to say good bye to her husband so often. I don't think it ever gets easier, yes they have been doing it all the time because of the jobs, but I don't think it gets easier. And now she had to see her one and only son deploy as well? My heart aches for her! I don't think there are words that can explain the feelings that she might have.

   But even though both her husband and son, are deploying she still manages to stay strong, and smile. And God only knows how much I admire her for that. It takes a special woman to be a military wife, but a even more special and stronger woman to be both. And now I see that just like my mom, and nana she too is one of the strongest women in my life. She understands the part of my life that neither my mom or nana can, because they don't know what is like to say good bye to the love of your life, and have to stay home and worry every day about their safety, and when and if they are coming home. So when I feel down and like crying because I miss Tj I always call her., because I know she knows what I am going through.

  I'm so great full to have such wonderful, strong women in my life as my mothers and role models. They are amazing and if I could ever be half of the mother they are to Tj and I would be so lucky.

Please help me raise money towards suicide prevention!

Dear Friend,


I will be joining with thousands of people nationwide this fall to walk in the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention's (AFSP) Out of the Darkness Community Walk.

My personal fundraising goal is $200. I would appreciate any support that you give me for this worthwhile cause.

As a military wife, I think it's very important that we think about this issue in our community. It happens more than we know.

The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention is at the forefront of research, advocacy, education and prevention initiatives designed to reduce loss of life from suicide. With more than 38,000 lives lost each year in the U.S. and over one million worldwide, the importance of AFSP's mission has never been greater, nor our work more urgent.

I hope you will consider supporting my participation in this event. Any contribution will help the work of AFSP, and all donations are 100% tax deductible.

Donating online is safe and easy! To make an online donation click the "Donate Now" this is the link. http://afsp.donordrive.com/participant/danielaerskine

Thank you for considering this request for your support. If you have any questions about the Out of the Darkness Community Walks or AFSP do not hesitate to contact me or visit
www.afsp.org


Sincerely,
Daniela Erskine

It's been awhile...

It's been quite a bit since my last post, but a lot of crazy things have happened. I started working at the child development center on base, and I love it. Even though I don't see myself doing this as a career, I love my kids. Having this job with the crazy schedules makes time fly and that's just the feeling that I need. Two weeks after I started my job, I got a phone call from my mom telling me that my father was in the hospital, that he was having open heart surgery because the doctor said for the past year and a half he has been having mild heart attacks. He was lucky to be alive. I didn't know what to do, I wanted to cry, scream run away and hide. I could not deal with something happening to my dad, and not having  Tj the person that I would run to and cry. He was thousands and thousands of miles away, and the only way to talk to him was over text, but that was far from what I needed. I needed him home, I needed a shoulder to cry on. But even through text he managed to make me feel like everything would be okay. However like any serious surgery, the talk that if something went the other way had to happen. Tj spoke to his leadership and he explain what was happening, they advised him to have me call the Red Cross and let them know what was going on, so that if something happened it would be on record. I went ahead and made the phone call, never in a million years did I think I will have to call Red Cross. I went on about my day, there wasn't anything I could do. I had work the next day I was here and my dad in Florida. All I could do was pray that things would work for the best. At 4am I get multiple text messages from Tj trying to wake me up, telling me that they told him he was coming home for 2 weeks on emergency leave. My heart stopped, I was half a sleep and all I could think of was some thing happened and the Red Cross told Tj and I don't know about it. Thank God, that it wasn't like that, the Air Force felt that he needed to be by my side in case something was to happen. Three hours later he was on a plane on his way home and I was making arrangements so that we could travel down to Florida and I get the time off. 

Twenty four hours later I am at the airport waiting to receive my Airman, everything was so unreal and happening so fast, I could not believe that he was coming home for a couple weeks. His plane landed and I get a text from him saying "baby i'm home" The Best text message I had read in 3 months. I was walking as fast as I possibly could through people rushing to get to his arms because all I wanted and needed was a hug. That hug brought this home feeling. A feeling that my heart was complete once again. 

We made it to Florida where my father was getting better and a few days later he was able to go home. We were staying there a few more days to spend time with him. On our last day, my mom had to rush him to the hospital again because he was having chest pains again. At the hospital the doctors said that he was having a heart attack and couldn't figure out why. I didn't know what to do we had to come home Tj was going back in a few days and I needed to go back to work. After talking with my mom we made the decision that it was best if we just came home, that there was nothing we could do anyway. Three days later my mom called and said that the doctors made the decision to do another surgery on my dad because he last bypass didn't work and it was growing scar tissue, which is was was causing the heart attacks. They went ahead and did the surgery again, it's been about 3 weeks since the surgery and my dad is getting better, in a lot of pain of course but getting better.Thank God!!! I'm not sure what I would have done if something happened. 

In the mix of everything i got sworn into the Air National Guard signed my contract and Tj got to see it all. Tj had to go back, his time here at home was done and it was time for him  to go back to finish his deployment. We only have 3 months left, maybe a little less. This second good bye was not something I was looking forward to, two weeks was not enough time to prepare myself, specially with everything that was happening. But we had to do it, duty called. I cried from the moment we left the house, on the way there, saying good bye, on the way home, and until I went to bed. The second time was so much harder, it felt that way at least. It felt impossible to deal with how could he be gone again, if he had just gotten home. Walking through the door and seeing his shoes where he left them, made my heart ache. It was physically painful. And the dogs they were looking for him and all I could do was sit on the couch and cry. 

I read an article on the military spouse magazine (amazing magazine, I would recommend it. Best part it's only 14 dollars for the year you get a print copy, and digital.) in the article another milso explained what deployments where like for her, she said she prayed that the good byes never get easy. And I can tell why, she is right.  Though we hate them, and we wish they didn't have to happen its part of this life. Every homecoming its a chance to fall in love all over again. Every deployment makes our love stronger. 

I miss my hubby even more now, everyday I wish he was home. Everyday I feel like I'm in love with him a little more. He is my best friend, my world, my hero, my everything. I would not change this life for anything in the world.  I have gotten the chance to get know and help, some of the most amazing girls in the world. And though I have yet to meet them, I feel like they are family, like I have known them for years. I feel their excitement, when it was their turn to go to Lackland and watch their Airman graduate. In one case I even helped her with trying to figure out things to get married graduation weekend!! I couldn't help but to feel excited it and happy for them, they were going through things I had already been through and felt like I was a part of it in my own way lol. 

What a crazy year!

   So I've been trying to keep busy since Tj left, and I have. Our roommates have moved into their own place, and I now have the house all to myself. It feels a little empty but I'm okay because I really wanted to get it ready from when Tj comes home. I still have quite a bit of time, lol but painting and decorating takes a little bit. It's been almost a month since Tj left and I want to say I've kept it together, I have my hour or two of feeling down but for the most part, I try to quickly snap out of it. I miss him like crazy don't get me wrong, I want him home and not away. I miss him getting on my nerves everyday because he is hungry and he doesn't want to get food himself lol but duty calls and I can't sit at home and be depressed because it's not going to change anything and will not bring him home any sooner. I decided to take summer classes because I want to keep busy. I'm still freaking waiting on my recruiter to tell me when and if I am going to enlist with the Air National Guard of Virginia. The budget cuts have really hurt us, so they are now being super picky of who they decide to let join. Anyway like I said I wanted to be productive and not just sit at home, so I decided to take two summer classes and the local community college so that I can apply it to my Criminal Justice Psychology degree, and to take the job with the CDC so I can bring the extra cash and it will for sure help time fly by.

    My mother in law and I have decided to go to Florida, home sweet home for mother's day. I haven't said anything to my mom I want to surprise her. I've been avoiding calling her because I don't want t slip and tell her that I am coming. I'm only going to be home for like two day lol but any time at home is better than nothing. I'm also super excited because my sister and her BF are coming to visit me for a few weeks this summer :) 

  On another note, This has been a crazy year!!! The 18th of this month will be a year since TJ and I got married! :) It's been a crazy, fast year. From Tj going to BMT up to the moment where he is deploying. They say the first year its the hardest and it is don't get me wrong but if you really love the person you are with you can get through anything. I never imagined having to spend our first year anniversary apart because he had to deploy, but being in the military you can never count on being together on special days. I will try to make the best of it definitely and I will try to send him a care package I just need to figure out what to put in it lol. The first one I sent him was stuff that he asked me that he needed and wanted so it wasn't really a care package I think it was more like a necessity package lol.

 Time will go by little by little and I will try to keep it together and sane. I have learned who my true friends are during this time and who really were only talking to me because of interest. Now a days you can never really trust someone. It's hard to find people that would really care, they're there just have to look :) It takes time to  get to know people. 

The first week is the hardest..

  So the hubby has been gone for about a week now, and it's been crazy. I've been trying to adjust to being away from him, and it's hard. I get to talk to him everyday though. When he first left it was weird because I wasn't sure when I was going to be able to hear from him, but I kept my cool and try no to get to anxious.
  He is working nights so communication is alright, sometimes I wake up early in the morning just to talk to him, or I would go to bed late if he is up.

  I have found that keeping busy and having friends over, helps you a lot specially that first week when I'm trying to adjust to him being gone.  I finally got to meet people, more like my neighbors. They are a couple our age, and they are the sweetest ever, they are fun to be around. Although Tj didn't get to meet them I am sure that when he gets back he will get along with them just fine. :)

  I got a job at the CDC on base, so I'm trying to in-process and there is sooooo much paper work it's crazy!! oh did I mention that because the base does not have any of my shot records I have to get all my shots all over again? yes all my shots since I was a baby!!  God I am not looking forward to this at all!


I really want to have the house ready for when Tj gets back I want it to feel very home sweet home like. Because Tj doesn't really have a room for himself, we have decided that the garage will be his "man cave" lol. I have some great ideas for it. He loves zombies and Star Wars so I came up with the idea to combine both of them some how and decorate the garage like that. It will be the room he uses to hang out with his friends or whatever he wants to do. I showed him the ideas and he is super excited about it. It will be something nice to come home to. I haven't decided if I should make it a surprise and not show him any pictures of it until he gets home. But any way that's how I will be keeping busy lol while he is deployed.

  I've really had a lot of support from other spouses I've met they have helped me keep sane. I try no to think to much of how long we have left in the deployment so that I don't go crazy. What I do is I try to plan different things to do so that I have other things to look forward to and not just homecoming date. It makes time go by a little fast I want to say.  It really does help. I came across this the other day and it's perfect!

         Deployment Prayer

Dear Lord:

Give me the strength to say goodbye. Hold back the tear in my eye.

Cure my insomnia so that I may sleep alone. Give me a reason to awake when I've none.

Dear Lord:

Please help me pace myself. Allow me to turn to you for help,

And please let me be strong for him, Even if I've reached the brim.

Dear Lord:

Please make time go fast. I don't know how long I can last.

This is the hardest time of my life, But this is my job: the Airman's wife.

Dear Lord:

Let them all stay strong. Give them the will to go on,

And Lord, Please bring back all our men. In the name of our country. Amen.

I'm not super religious, but this I couldn't resist sharing and adding to my favorites. I'm starting to think of what kind of care packages to send him. I was able to order free boxes and shipping labels from the USPS. I have quite a bit of dates that I must send him packages, his birthday, our anniversary, etc.  But deployment sucks and I can only try to take it one day at a time. I just pray that I keep sane. 

 

By far the hardest goodbye yet. :(

It has been a crazy few weeks. After deciding to take a mini vacation I decided to spend as much time as I could with Tj with the move and him deploying that's all I wanted to do.. DC was amazing saw a lot places and memorials. It was funny because we walked everywhere and we looked like total tourist lol with a map and stopping in middle of places to see what street we were on! We went to China town, I was hoping to see something super cool like the movies lol but I guess Tj said Washington DC doesn't have a "cool" china town. :) the different memorials were really cool. But the one that stood out the most to us was the Arlington cemetery. It was such a powerful place. Specially the tomb of the unknown soldier. We waited to see the change of guard. It was such an honor to be able to watch. It means so much more when you are in the military.
After we got home we had to pack because we had to move into the house by the end of that week. Trust me when I say we waiting till the last minute to pack. Thankfully we got helped and were able to move into the house. The house looks great! It's coming along great I already even painted one wall :) in the living room. We have my friend Micah living with us and its been great having her. Her baby it's adorable!! He is a funny boy too. Even though he is only 7 weeks old. He has such a great personality already and he is very calm!! Only cries if he is hungry!

Everything was happening so fast that we forgot Tj was leaving soon. We got a date for when he was leaving a week before it was time to go. And it was the fastest week I've ever been through. I tried to spend as much time as I could with him, but it never seemed like enough. I most say that deep down inside I was hoping they would cancel the deployment and he wasn't going. As the days got closer I would ask him if he was sure there wasn't anything he could do to not leave. I really didn't want him to go! :( we packed all of the day before and the day of. I hated it I really wish I didn't have to do it!! The day of was the worse because I kept crying and I felt bad because I didn't want to make things worse for him. But I just could not help it. As it became hours I grew more and more anxious and emotional I really did not want this day to come. 1:15 came and if was time to say bye to Micah and I even started crying when he said bye to her and Bella I still had a few more hours before I had to say bye!! I already knew I was going to be a bigger mess later.
I decided to follow the bus to the airport, and wait with him until he left. It was bitter sweet. Happy that I could be with him but dying inside because I didn't want to say goodbye. I think that deep down inside I was still hoping some how they would cancel it. But they didn't. The time to say good bye came and I couldn't help it but to cry, tears jut starting falling down my face and I couldn't stop it. As we got up from the chairs to hug, I didn't want to let go. I could see the pain in his eyes, I could tell how guilty he felt saying goodbye and having to leave me behind. It hurt so much. I swear this was the hardest goodbye I've had to say yet. And as much as I tell myself it's the same time as basic and tech school, it doesn't make it any better because this its different . He is in a different country. It hard to explain but it's different. I tried not to look back and just leave but I couldn't! I stood there as we stared at each other him waiting in line and I was by the chairs waiting for a friend I just wanted to run back and ask him to not leave but I couldn't move, I couldn't bring myself to put him through more pain then he was. We both were in pain and I know he knew I was and he could tell I knew he was too. Cried my way to the car and was able to keep it together in the car. But when I walked in the house and Bella greeted me, I walked straight to the kitchen and cried couldn't stay downstairs, I grabbed water and came upstairs were his pillow still smelled like him and I just started to cry, couldn't stop wishing this day never came. I didn't know what to do with myself it hurt so bad and i could not stop crying. I thought I was prepared for it I really did, but boy was I wrong! It never gets any easier. I was not ready for this and I don't think I will ever be. I finally fell asleep. but walk up in the middle of the night. i woke up and felt around the bed for him until I realized he had left and he wont be back, for the next six months.

Tough being a military wife it's an honor it comes with its sacrifices and this being one of them. It could be days before I hear from Tj. But I keep praying that time flies and that I can make it through this, one day at a time.