The last push is the hardest.

As this deployment, is almost coming to an end I feel like it's getting hard. Maybe because I am so over being at home alone and waiting. I know I know "you knew what you were getting yourself into, get used to this is only the first one" but I still have the right to at some point stop being so strong and just let myself deal with the emotion as they come. Right now I fee frustrated and angry that time can't go any faster. I think that the hardest part is trying to keep busy to make time go by faster on in my case to not think about time. But even then I still feel like I can't do this last push. It almost feels like I am about to go crazy, all I want to do is scream and kick or something even cry my eyes out. I think is safe to say that I've become very emotional! I try to not to show it t Tj. Sometimes miss him so much all I want to do is lay in bed and cry. But I know that not matter how much I cry, or stay down it's not going to make him come home sooner. I just can't seem to be able to shake off this funk off!

 However this  time he has been away I've been able to make great friends, all of which I can't wait to introduce to him when he comes home. We are planning on having this BBQ to welcome him and his team home I'm really hoping that our other friends that are deployed, but not with Tj come home around the same time so we can just have one big BBQ. I never thought I was going to miss friends so much, but with the little time we all spent together before deployment they became my family. Tj new them from Tech school but for me I met them when I got here, and I  love them all like the were real family. I most admit I worry about all of them everyday. When they left it wasn't just my husband that left ALL of them deployed and it was hard admitting to myself that I was alone here. I miss this guys so much and it makes me sick to know that soon after them come home I might be leaving to basic, and won't get to spend too much time with them.

I was always told that when you are in the military, you don't have friends you are all one big family and we all look out for each other. I didn't believe it until now that's exactly what it feels like. We are one big family and we look out for each other, even when they are miles and miles away, they still take time to message me and check in on me to make sure I am okay. Something friends that I have known all my life don't do.


This last push really is the hardest for me, he is so close to coming home yet it feels like he is so far from coming home, from three digit days count down now to double digits. We have come a long way this deployment, it hasn't been easy at all. Now I just pray that, God brings my hubby and his team and our other friends home safe, it's been a long wait they deserve to coming home in one piece!! I'm so beyond ready to have them home!!!

     

Best Mother in law a woman can ask for!

   When I was seven years old my father left, leaving my mom to raise my sister and I. At the time we lived in Costa Rica, my mom was an RN there. I remember her working extra hours, sometimes even pick up a whole extra shift, so that she can pay the bills. She loved working the night shift, because they paid more. One day she sat my sister and I down and said that she was going to travel to the United States, to work and try to give us a better life. My sister and I stayed with my nana  (grandmother) for a year (Later my mom made the decision to move here with us). My nana is like my second mom, I go to her for advice just as much as I go to my mom. Every week I call her and talk to her for an hour or two. Even though she is in Costa Rica distance means nothing to us, we are still very very close. After all the four of us went through a lot together (my mom, sister, nana and I). My nana is a very strong women, she raised eight children all by her self, and she gave them the best life she possibly could. My nana and my mom both are strong women, that would do anything for their children.  I always said my mom and nana are the strongest women I know... That was until I met my mother in law.

   When I met my mother in law I didn't know, that I was going to meet such a wonderful woman. My mother in law was a military wife for nine years, my father in law was in the Marines. She was the daughter of a Army soldier. We are just one big military family! Both sides of Tj's family had someone in the military so it kinda runs in the family. In my country we don't have a military, so I don't have a military background, other than my step dad who's father was in the Army and his brother was in the Air Force.. But back to my mother in law....Like all of us military wives, she followed her husband. She ended up living over seas for some time. While she was there my father in law was deployed most of the time. I can't remember the amount of days he was gone but its was something like 200+ days out of the year, at the time Tj was still a baby, so it was a lot of work for her. being in a foreign country not knowing the language with a baby boy, I can only imagine. After my father in law decided to leave the military they decided to move to Florida where he got his pilots license. (My father in law LOVES to fly) As a pilot he flew a lot and was gone for a day or two at a time.But no matter what my mother in law supported him 100% of the time.

  One day Tj came over and said that his dad was going to be taking another job. We talked for hours about it. The job would require for my father in law to deploy over seas every other three months. The company was contracted by the Air Force and had a project in Afghanistan. Once again my mother in law was some how back to the military life! I'm sure my mother in law didn't want her husband in that field again, but she supported him no matter what. She always stands by him. ( I pray every day, that my marriage with Tj is jut as strong as theirs. No matter what she stands by him, supports him and loves him)

   The first year on the job, Tj was in college so when his dad was deployed his mom had Tj to keep her company. Though I am pretty sure she still worried about her husband, and prayed that he returned home safe. Some where along the way Tj, decided that he was going to join the Air Force. Something they were very proud of him for. They had planned to move closer to where my father in law's job was stationed out of, which was here in Virginia. When Tj left for basic we all hope that when he got is first duty station would be close to them, and sure enough we were stationed here in Langley two hours from them.

  I'm sure my mother in law knew Tj was at some point going to deploy, but I don't think neither of us knew it was going to be so soon. I can't even being to imagine what it feels like to her, to have to say good bye to her husband so often. I don't think it ever gets easier, yes they have been doing it all the time because of the jobs, but I don't think it gets easier. And now she had to see her one and only son deploy as well? My heart aches for her! I don't think there are words that can explain the feelings that she might have.

   But even though both her husband and son, are deploying she still manages to stay strong, and smile. And God only knows how much I admire her for that. It takes a special woman to be a military wife, but a even more special and stronger woman to be both. And now I see that just like my mom, and nana she too is one of the strongest women in my life. She understands the part of my life that neither my mom or nana can, because they don't know what is like to say good bye to the love of your life, and have to stay home and worry every day about their safety, and when and if they are coming home. So when I feel down and like crying because I miss Tj I always call her., because I know she knows what I am going through.

  I'm so great full to have such wonderful, strong women in my life as my mothers and role models. They are amazing and if I could ever be half of the mother they are to Tj and I would be so lucky.

Please help me raise money towards suicide prevention!

Dear Friend,


I will be joining with thousands of people nationwide this fall to walk in the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention's (AFSP) Out of the Darkness Community Walk.

My personal fundraising goal is $200. I would appreciate any support that you give me for this worthwhile cause.

As a military wife, I think it's very important that we think about this issue in our community. It happens more than we know.

The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention is at the forefront of research, advocacy, education and prevention initiatives designed to reduce loss of life from suicide. With more than 38,000 lives lost each year in the U.S. and over one million worldwide, the importance of AFSP's mission has never been greater, nor our work more urgent.

I hope you will consider supporting my participation in this event. Any contribution will help the work of AFSP, and all donations are 100% tax deductible.

Donating online is safe and easy! To make an online donation click the "Donate Now" this is the link. http://afsp.donordrive.com/participant/danielaerskine

Thank you for considering this request for your support. If you have any questions about the Out of the Darkness Community Walks or AFSP do not hesitate to contact me or visit
www.afsp.org


Sincerely,
Daniela Erskine

It's been awhile...

It's been quite a bit since my last post, but a lot of crazy things have happened. I started working at the child development center on base, and I love it. Even though I don't see myself doing this as a career, I love my kids. Having this job with the crazy schedules makes time fly and that's just the feeling that I need. Two weeks after I started my job, I got a phone call from my mom telling me that my father was in the hospital, that he was having open heart surgery because the doctor said for the past year and a half he has been having mild heart attacks. He was lucky to be alive. I didn't know what to do, I wanted to cry, scream run away and hide. I could not deal with something happening to my dad, and not having  Tj the person that I would run to and cry. He was thousands and thousands of miles away, and the only way to talk to him was over text, but that was far from what I needed. I needed him home, I needed a shoulder to cry on. But even through text he managed to make me feel like everything would be okay. However like any serious surgery, the talk that if something went the other way had to happen. Tj spoke to his leadership and he explain what was happening, they advised him to have me call the Red Cross and let them know what was going on, so that if something happened it would be on record. I went ahead and made the phone call, never in a million years did I think I will have to call Red Cross. I went on about my day, there wasn't anything I could do. I had work the next day I was here and my dad in Florida. All I could do was pray that things would work for the best. At 4am I get multiple text messages from Tj trying to wake me up, telling me that they told him he was coming home for 2 weeks on emergency leave. My heart stopped, I was half a sleep and all I could think of was some thing happened and the Red Cross told Tj and I don't know about it. Thank God, that it wasn't like that, the Air Force felt that he needed to be by my side in case something was to happen. Three hours later he was on a plane on his way home and I was making arrangements so that we could travel down to Florida and I get the time off. 

Twenty four hours later I am at the airport waiting to receive my Airman, everything was so unreal and happening so fast, I could not believe that he was coming home for a couple weeks. His plane landed and I get a text from him saying "baby i'm home" The Best text message I had read in 3 months. I was walking as fast as I possibly could through people rushing to get to his arms because all I wanted and needed was a hug. That hug brought this home feeling. A feeling that my heart was complete once again. 

We made it to Florida where my father was getting better and a few days later he was able to go home. We were staying there a few more days to spend time with him. On our last day, my mom had to rush him to the hospital again because he was having chest pains again. At the hospital the doctors said that he was having a heart attack and couldn't figure out why. I didn't know what to do we had to come home Tj was going back in a few days and I needed to go back to work. After talking with my mom we made the decision that it was best if we just came home, that there was nothing we could do anyway. Three days later my mom called and said that the doctors made the decision to do another surgery on my dad because he last bypass didn't work and it was growing scar tissue, which is was was causing the heart attacks. They went ahead and did the surgery again, it's been about 3 weeks since the surgery and my dad is getting better, in a lot of pain of course but getting better.Thank God!!! I'm not sure what I would have done if something happened. 

In the mix of everything i got sworn into the Air National Guard signed my contract and Tj got to see it all. Tj had to go back, his time here at home was done and it was time for him  to go back to finish his deployment. We only have 3 months left, maybe a little less. This second good bye was not something I was looking forward to, two weeks was not enough time to prepare myself, specially with everything that was happening. But we had to do it, duty called. I cried from the moment we left the house, on the way there, saying good bye, on the way home, and until I went to bed. The second time was so much harder, it felt that way at least. It felt impossible to deal with how could he be gone again, if he had just gotten home. Walking through the door and seeing his shoes where he left them, made my heart ache. It was physically painful. And the dogs they were looking for him and all I could do was sit on the couch and cry. 

I read an article on the military spouse magazine (amazing magazine, I would recommend it. Best part it's only 14 dollars for the year you get a print copy, and digital.) in the article another milso explained what deployments where like for her, she said she prayed that the good byes never get easy. And I can tell why, she is right.  Though we hate them, and we wish they didn't have to happen its part of this life. Every homecoming its a chance to fall in love all over again. Every deployment makes our love stronger. 

I miss my hubby even more now, everyday I wish he was home. Everyday I feel like I'm in love with him a little more. He is my best friend, my world, my hero, my everything. I would not change this life for anything in the world.  I have gotten the chance to get know and help, some of the most amazing girls in the world. And though I have yet to meet them, I feel like they are family, like I have known them for years. I feel their excitement, when it was their turn to go to Lackland and watch their Airman graduate. In one case I even helped her with trying to figure out things to get married graduation weekend!! I couldn't help but to feel excited it and happy for them, they were going through things I had already been through and felt like I was a part of it in my own way lol. 

What a crazy year!

   So I've been trying to keep busy since Tj left, and I have. Our roommates have moved into their own place, and I now have the house all to myself. It feels a little empty but I'm okay because I really wanted to get it ready from when Tj comes home. I still have quite a bit of time, lol but painting and decorating takes a little bit. It's been almost a month since Tj left and I want to say I've kept it together, I have my hour or two of feeling down but for the most part, I try to quickly snap out of it. I miss him like crazy don't get me wrong, I want him home and not away. I miss him getting on my nerves everyday because he is hungry and he doesn't want to get food himself lol but duty calls and I can't sit at home and be depressed because it's not going to change anything and will not bring him home any sooner. I decided to take summer classes because I want to keep busy. I'm still freaking waiting on my recruiter to tell me when and if I am going to enlist with the Air National Guard of Virginia. The budget cuts have really hurt us, so they are now being super picky of who they decide to let join. Anyway like I said I wanted to be productive and not just sit at home, so I decided to take two summer classes and the local community college so that I can apply it to my Criminal Justice Psychology degree, and to take the job with the CDC so I can bring the extra cash and it will for sure help time fly by.

    My mother in law and I have decided to go to Florida, home sweet home for mother's day. I haven't said anything to my mom I want to surprise her. I've been avoiding calling her because I don't want t slip and tell her that I am coming. I'm only going to be home for like two day lol but any time at home is better than nothing. I'm also super excited because my sister and her BF are coming to visit me for a few weeks this summer :) 

  On another note, This has been a crazy year!!! The 18th of this month will be a year since TJ and I got married! :) It's been a crazy, fast year. From Tj going to BMT up to the moment where he is deploying. They say the first year its the hardest and it is don't get me wrong but if you really love the person you are with you can get through anything. I never imagined having to spend our first year anniversary apart because he had to deploy, but being in the military you can never count on being together on special days. I will try to make the best of it definitely and I will try to send him a care package I just need to figure out what to put in it lol. The first one I sent him was stuff that he asked me that he needed and wanted so it wasn't really a care package I think it was more like a necessity package lol.

 Time will go by little by little and I will try to keep it together and sane. I have learned who my true friends are during this time and who really were only talking to me because of interest. Now a days you can never really trust someone. It's hard to find people that would really care, they're there just have to look :) It takes time to  get to know people. 

The first week is the hardest..

  So the hubby has been gone for about a week now, and it's been crazy. I've been trying to adjust to being away from him, and it's hard. I get to talk to him everyday though. When he first left it was weird because I wasn't sure when I was going to be able to hear from him, but I kept my cool and try no to get to anxious.
  He is working nights so communication is alright, sometimes I wake up early in the morning just to talk to him, or I would go to bed late if he is up.

  I have found that keeping busy and having friends over, helps you a lot specially that first week when I'm trying to adjust to him being gone.  I finally got to meet people, more like my neighbors. They are a couple our age, and they are the sweetest ever, they are fun to be around. Although Tj didn't get to meet them I am sure that when he gets back he will get along with them just fine. :)

  I got a job at the CDC on base, so I'm trying to in-process and there is sooooo much paper work it's crazy!! oh did I mention that because the base does not have any of my shot records I have to get all my shots all over again? yes all my shots since I was a baby!!  God I am not looking forward to this at all!


I really want to have the house ready for when Tj gets back I want it to feel very home sweet home like. Because Tj doesn't really have a room for himself, we have decided that the garage will be his "man cave" lol. I have some great ideas for it. He loves zombies and Star Wars so I came up with the idea to combine both of them some how and decorate the garage like that. It will be the room he uses to hang out with his friends or whatever he wants to do. I showed him the ideas and he is super excited about it. It will be something nice to come home to. I haven't decided if I should make it a surprise and not show him any pictures of it until he gets home. But any way that's how I will be keeping busy lol while he is deployed.

  I've really had a lot of support from other spouses I've met they have helped me keep sane. I try no to think to much of how long we have left in the deployment so that I don't go crazy. What I do is I try to plan different things to do so that I have other things to look forward to and not just homecoming date. It makes time go by a little fast I want to say.  It really does help. I came across this the other day and it's perfect!

         Deployment Prayer

Dear Lord:

Give me the strength to say goodbye. Hold back the tear in my eye.

Cure my insomnia so that I may sleep alone. Give me a reason to awake when I've none.

Dear Lord:

Please help me pace myself. Allow me to turn to you for help,

And please let me be strong for him, Even if I've reached the brim.

Dear Lord:

Please make time go fast. I don't know how long I can last.

This is the hardest time of my life, But this is my job: the Airman's wife.

Dear Lord:

Let them all stay strong. Give them the will to go on,

And Lord, Please bring back all our men. In the name of our country. Amen.

I'm not super religious, but this I couldn't resist sharing and adding to my favorites. I'm starting to think of what kind of care packages to send him. I was able to order free boxes and shipping labels from the USPS. I have quite a bit of dates that I must send him packages, his birthday, our anniversary, etc.  But deployment sucks and I can only try to take it one day at a time. I just pray that I keep sane. 

 

By far the hardest goodbye yet. :(

It has been a crazy few weeks. After deciding to take a mini vacation I decided to spend as much time as I could with Tj with the move and him deploying that's all I wanted to do.. DC was amazing saw a lot places and memorials. It was funny because we walked everywhere and we looked like total tourist lol with a map and stopping in middle of places to see what street we were on! We went to China town, I was hoping to see something super cool like the movies lol but I guess Tj said Washington DC doesn't have a "cool" china town. :) the different memorials were really cool. But the one that stood out the most to us was the Arlington cemetery. It was such a powerful place. Specially the tomb of the unknown soldier. We waited to see the change of guard. It was such an honor to be able to watch. It means so much more when you are in the military.
After we got home we had to pack because we had to move into the house by the end of that week. Trust me when I say we waiting till the last minute to pack. Thankfully we got helped and were able to move into the house. The house looks great! It's coming along great I already even painted one wall :) in the living room. We have my friend Micah living with us and its been great having her. Her baby it's adorable!! He is a funny boy too. Even though he is only 7 weeks old. He has such a great personality already and he is very calm!! Only cries if he is hungry!

Everything was happening so fast that we forgot Tj was leaving soon. We got a date for when he was leaving a week before it was time to go. And it was the fastest week I've ever been through. I tried to spend as much time as I could with him, but it never seemed like enough. I most say that deep down inside I was hoping they would cancel the deployment and he wasn't going. As the days got closer I would ask him if he was sure there wasn't anything he could do to not leave. I really didn't want him to go! :( we packed all of the day before and the day of. I hated it I really wish I didn't have to do it!! The day of was the worse because I kept crying and I felt bad because I didn't want to make things worse for him. But I just could not help it. As it became hours I grew more and more anxious and emotional I really did not want this day to come. 1:15 came and if was time to say bye to Micah and I even started crying when he said bye to her and Bella I still had a few more hours before I had to say bye!! I already knew I was going to be a bigger mess later.
I decided to follow the bus to the airport, and wait with him until he left. It was bitter sweet. Happy that I could be with him but dying inside because I didn't want to say goodbye. I think that deep down inside I was still hoping some how they would cancel it. But they didn't. The time to say good bye came and I couldn't help it but to cry, tears jut starting falling down my face and I couldn't stop it. As we got up from the chairs to hug, I didn't want to let go. I could see the pain in his eyes, I could tell how guilty he felt saying goodbye and having to leave me behind. It hurt so much. I swear this was the hardest goodbye I've had to say yet. And as much as I tell myself it's the same time as basic and tech school, it doesn't make it any better because this its different . He is in a different country. It hard to explain but it's different. I tried not to look back and just leave but I couldn't! I stood there as we stared at each other him waiting in line and I was by the chairs waiting for a friend I just wanted to run back and ask him to not leave but I couldn't move, I couldn't bring myself to put him through more pain then he was. We both were in pain and I know he knew I was and he could tell I knew he was too. Cried my way to the car and was able to keep it together in the car. But when I walked in the house and Bella greeted me, I walked straight to the kitchen and cried couldn't stay downstairs, I grabbed water and came upstairs were his pillow still smelled like him and I just started to cry, couldn't stop wishing this day never came. I didn't know what to do with myself it hurt so bad and i could not stop crying. I thought I was prepared for it I really did, but boy was I wrong! It never gets any easier. I was not ready for this and I don't think I will ever be. I finally fell asleep. but walk up in the middle of the night. i woke up and felt around the bed for him until I realized he had left and he wont be back, for the next six months.

Tough being a military wife it's an honor it comes with its sacrifices and this being one of them. It could be days before I hear from Tj. But I keep praying that time flies and that I can make it through this, one day at a time.

Mini Vacation :)

It's been great to have Tj back at home even though it's for just a little bit, it's better then nothing. It's been a crazy week I must say. We are due to move form the apartment here at the end of the month, we were going to move to another apartment complex, but we looked at the housing list and saw that we moves up on the list and that we could get a house in the middle of our lease and that we might have to decline it!!! So I called the housing office and talked to them and explained the situation and the girl said that if we changed the date for when we needed a house that we might be able to get a house sooner! So we did and next thing we know we get a call from the manager saying that there is a house available for move in March 29!! 2 bedroom 1.5 bath!! Tj and I are so excited!! :) we have can't see the inside because it's being fixed but we are hoping it's not to bad the house was build in 1997 and it look great. We keep it positive and reminding each other that this is no the house we are going to live in for the rest of our lives and that financially it just best! Besides a house it's what you make it I think that if we decorate it really nice and take good care it of it would be great. Another thing to keep in mind is that Tj is not very high raking so with ranking comes luxury lol :) We are just very excited to be able to say we have a house, a yard for Bella to play in and enough room to have people over.
  
    Aside from the house news, TJ was able to take some leave before he deploys so we decided to have a weekend get away to Washington DC. This is the first time we go on a vacation together just him and I. :) we are so exciting to be able to do something we want and to spend some time together just him and I. Specially knowing that he is deploying for six months and at any point during those six months I could be going to basic :) I must say my process to joining the Airforce is very slow lol my appointment for meps keeps getting pushed back.  I was finally able to take my ASVAB and pass it!! I was so scared lol now is just a matter being able to make it to meps. With only having one card and TJ working we have to find a time when tj is off work and I can take the car I unfortunately have to drive myself there. I'm hoping that all the process is done soon before Tj leaves so that we can at least have an idea of what is going on. NO MATTER how long this takes I will make this happen :)

No way one can explain!

    When you get married to someone that's in the military all you ever hear is "it's going to be hard, you will have to work extra hard at making it work". It's true! When someone gets married to someone in the military there is a lot that one has to be prepared for. Nights alone, being able to take care of things on your own, keeping good communication, and staying strong. No matter how much they explain it, no matter how much someone prepares for deployment, there is no way to explain the actual feelings that are there once it happens, once you are actually going through it.
     Tj has been gone for a week, and I prepared my self for this, I told my self many times that it was going to be hard, to stay strong. Don't get me wrong, I am staying strong and I am okay but that doesn't mean I don't get frustrated and that I am not hurting because he isn't here. I get to talk to him everyday and that's great but that's not what I miss. I miss having him physically here with me, within arms reach. I really hope I am not the only one that feels this way. Some days are harder then others. Sometimes I just want to run and scream, because I want him home. I don't know where I would run ..lol but that's all I want to do...run. I can only assume I want to run to him. (It would be a hard run from here Virginia to Nevada lol )

     It's very hard to be away from Tj. I can only TRY to explain the feelings. When I dropped him off so he could go to that training, I felt like a piece of my heart was taken, and now there's this hole that cannot be filled.  Talking to him, texting  him doesn't quite do it. Some days I can deal with it and its easy but other days I can't! I just can't bring myself to ignore that hole that's there. I just miss him sooo much that it hurts, it hurts like if someone is making that hole bigger, and I just don't know what to do. All I want to do is run and scream and cry and beg for him to hurry up and come home. Sometimes I feel silly for feeling that way because I am sure there are other wives who are going through worse. But whether is two weeks or a year, when the person you love is not there...the feelings are the same.Everyday I miss him a little too much.  I try my best at keeping strong but sometimes I just can't. I think about trying to think about not thinking how far away he is, but instead I think about him more, I miss him even more...  All I want is a phone call or a text..I get it...but realize that it's not what I need it's not filling that hole that's there...I try to get a full night sleep, but I can't because I didn't get my good night kiss and I find myself waking up in the middle of the night missing him and feeling the bed trying to find him, and feeling cold because he isn't there to keep me warm...I wake up in the morning he isn't there, I go to the store I come home to an empty apartment, and on a day that I feel like I can't do it anymore, all I do is cry without even knowing. Tears just fall down my face and I can't stop it. I miss him and I just can't help but to hurt, but to feel like something big is missing.   No one can understand what is like to miss someone that much, the only possible people that can, are those strangers that we meet online called MILSOs because they are going through the same thing. They understand what is like to worry all day, to wait days for a phone call, to have to to take care of everything because he is gone, to have to adjust to him not being there. They are the only ones that can understand having him gone for weeks, getting destroyed emotionally because you have to say good bye and then have him home for a few more weeks and then doing it all over again, having to say good bye and get that hole in the heart feeling all over again, but that time you have to say good bye for longer so it's one thousand times harder. Only they can understand what is like to love that some one so much, that it hurts, that distance means nothing, and only makes the love and relationship stronger...
   Sometimes I think that we live in a movie or a fairy tale that resets every year. We find the person we love , our hero, our prince charming the person we can't be without. They deploy we miss them like crazy we go crazy trying to keep busy, we write emails, we get phone calls when possible, we send care packages with their favorite things, we promise every time to wait for them here at home, to be home when they get home, and most of all to be strong, and then after that deployment is over we get our Fairy tale happy ending. We are happy because they are home, we kept our promises and patiently waited for him to come home; we get to get all dresses up and ready to go pick them up at the base, like they show at the movies the part where we see them and we run to them ...until six months later the story resets and we have to do it all over again. But as much as we don't want to hear it, we knew what we were getting into when we married a military man. We knew it was going to be hard, but once again no matter how much we know, or how much we prepare, things always feel different when you are going through them.  But the love is so strong, that we wouldn't change it for anything in the world.

Pre-deployment...

    So I've been busy this past few weeks so it's been hard to sit down, and write my thoughts. Plus as we military wives know when the husband is going to pre deployment training or TDY even for just two weeks we want to spend as much time as possible with him. Well... that's my case.
     My husband left Saturday at 3am to Vegas for pre deployment training. As much as I told myself it's only two weeks, and you will be able to talk to him and text him, I have to admit still hard. This is the first time since my husband got out of tech school that I have to be away from him, not sleep in the same bed as him, not be able to see him every day, or even text him all day. It has been a little bit of an adjustment. I had gotten in a routine, he would go to work come home and I would get to spend the evening with him, and on his days off I would spend it with him. And now that I come home to an empty apartment, and not being able to go to bed with him and spend most of the day alone it's a bit scary for when actual deployment gets here.
   It's only been two days since he left. The first day was hard, it was a Saturday I didn't have to work, so I spend it at home watching Army Wives eating junk food LOL and today well I had a friend come over and we had dinner and worked on a little deployment project we had planned...Bella (the dog) has been a little sad she waits by the door and sometimes won't even leave my side. It's weird but I think she knew that TJ was leaving because the day he was packing she would not leave his side and follow him everywhere! Even on the way to drop him off usually she waits for me on everything but that day all she wanted to do was be next to him and walk by his side, and for the first time ever she cried the whole time we were driving off base weird I know but I"m not lying. It amazes me how much dogs know without you even telling them. I think that the time difference it's going to be a pain in the butt!!! `8 hour difference it's crazy I am hoping that I can like work it out and still have time to talk to him and not affect his hours.
  Even though it's only a 2 week TDY and I know that I can talk to him, it's hard and this is helping me understand a little more what deployment will be like. I didn't actually hit me that TJ was leaving until he walked in with all his gear. It was then that I realized there was no turning back, there was nothing I could do he had to deploy. The feeling I had I can't really explain, I just felt like someone had slapped me back to reality and said "hello, wake up this is really happening" as much as we talked about it, as much as I tried to prepare myself, it didn't actually hit me until he brought the bags home. At that point all I wanted to do was spend time with him and make the last few days count.
     When I dropped him off at the squadron, so that he can get on the bus and leave for training the whole way there I was telling myself " Don't cry it's only a two week TDY, don't cry, don't cry" I was very quiet it on the ride there so quiet that Tj kept asking me "are you alright? you are like staring into space" reality was if I said something I was going to cry, I was just telling my self don't cry. I wanted, and have to be strong for him. We have no choice he can't worry about things that are happening or even about me being okay. His head has to be in the game and paying attention at all times, this training is what is going to keep him safe in case something were to happen he needs to pay attention. When he came back from picking up his weapon, he grabbed his bags and put them by the bus so that they can be loaded. He came back to say bye. He hugged me and kissed me and said I love you. I wasn't crying but I was shocked up and I had to make an extra effort to make my words come out of my mouth. I got back in the car and left. I was preparing myself since we got news that he was deploying, but the reality of this is that when the moment is there, you don't know what you are going to do or how you are going to react. After I left I cried my eyes out. I honestly couldn't figure out why. It made me feel better lol!
   But I believe that by keeping busy it will help to make time go by fast, and off thinking about being so far apart. Having friend over and friends that one can rely on will so be a big help. Thank God that I will have Micah and Keirstin for support. Deployments, TDYs, or anything that requires to be away from my Airman will NEVER be easy, but with time your get stronger and you learn new ways to deal with him being away, and the distance.

So hard loosing weight!

     I have been so busy this week, in the mix of work, going to see the recruiter, getting my paper work ready for MEPS and trying work out and study for the test along with all the house duties, it just never stops!!! This week I have worked extra hard to try to loose the weight that I need to make the requirement but it just seems to not happen, I have tried everything, but nothing seems to work and I am starting to get discouraged and stressed about it. I have my dream at the tips of my fingers and I am about to lose it again because of something so dumb as it is to lose weight. It's actually very annoying. I don't think it helps that I am stressing about the ASVAB. I get really nervous when it comes to taking a test, add the fact that is times and OMG I am screwed my brain completely goes blank! I am worried that I won't pass it! :(

   As it gets closer to the test and MEPS, it means its getting closer for Tjs training and his deployment will be right around the corner. I am starting to freak out a little. Wanting to spend as much time as possible with him before he goes, but it always seems impossible because of my work, and all the things that he has to do for his deployment. It never stops!

    Last week or the week before he got his small pox shot. It requires a lot of taking care of. AND cant I just said that it's very annoying?!?! I can't touch his arm at all, and if I do it by accident even if it had double protection, I have to wash my hands. Now when we are sleeping, he refuses to switch sides so the arm it's on its in the middle and its very easy for me to accidentally bump into it, making sleep a bit harder. Which anyways sleep its been getting harder and harder, I find myself going to bed at 8 or 8:30 and waking up at 3 or 4 if not many many times during the night. I wake up very tired still working all day on my feet and doing all that I do it doesn't help. It seems like I just don't have energy for anything anymore! :( ugh.

 Besides all this that is going on, life is good I can't expect for things to happens always the way I want them. There always has to be a bump in the road. I know God will help me get through this, and accomplish everything. :)

Is it just me?....

    It's been a great day!! :) Tj and I decided what we wanted to go, and visit his mom and dad in Charlottesville! It's been such a great time, we love coming up here because the views are so pretty and not to mention we love spending time with them :) Unfortunately we have to go back home to tomorrow, as TJ has training on Tuesday and I have work... Such a bummer sometimes I wish we didn't have to work and we could just spend time with family. 

   Something that I have learned about being in a military wife, is that your action can affect your husband. I have seen it happen. I rather many times keep my mouth shut, than to say or do something that can affect my hubby, and maybe even put him in harms way. I  LOVE social networks, I think it's a great way to keep in contact with people, and to meet friends. Thanks to social networking I have made many, life long friends. However you have to know how to  handle social networking. I support and I will stand behind every  single one of my MILSO I don't care what branch you are from, we are all in the same situation serving the same country. What I do not stand behind is ignorance, immaturity, and stupidity. 

  Is it just me or one of the biggest things I hate is when  I go on Instagram or Facebook and see a post of a fellow MILSO complaining about the situation she/he is in. Saying such things as "My husband/wife is doing this so that all of you can have your freedom" I'm sorry that you had to miss a birthday, St Patricks day, Valentines Day, etc but those are things that come with being a MILSO and we knew that the moment they signed that contract (I know it's the last thing we want to hear is "you knew what you were getting yourself into but sometimes we need to hear it) his carrier, his life and time would be dedicated to the military whether we like it or not. Making our civilians friends feel bad about it,  it's not going to change anything!  What I can tell you is that there are other wives that have had it much more worse than missing a holiday. What about those that have giving birth while their husbands are over seas? or the ones that have been alone all their pregnancies? NO ONE should have to miss the birth of their own child, but yet you don't hear them complaining about it...they stay strong and know that their husbands are doing what is best for them. Those are the type of MILSOs that I respect, specially the ones that stay home with the kids while their hubbies are away. 

  Another thing I really hate is when people are ignorant, and rude over social networking. I understand that we have the right of speech, but come on that does not mean that we have to go out and disrespect, or offend other people. We are all have the right to our opinion but sometimes is best to not say anything or put it in a way where, someone is not going to get offended. We play a big role in our husbands life, and like I said before we represent them when they are not with us, and the things we say, post or do can and WILL affect your husband. Like may of my friends say "Once you join the military you don't have full rights"  Posting something offensive about someone, a race or anything is rude and wrong. Imagine going to your husbands supervisor or chief and saying something that might of offend them... I don't know about anyone but that is something that I would regret very fast. So why in the world are some MILSOs going on social networks posting things that can offend people??!?!?!?!? what if your husbands higher up see it? Please explain to me how you would handle that? Please just keep your opinion to your self you don't know who is offending. 

  Yes we are military wives and things aren't always easy for us, but we are also not the center of the world! The world does not revolve around us. There is no reason why we need to make civilians feel like they should feel sorry for us because our husbands are fighting for our freedom. 

  It's very annoying to see post of wives complaining, trying to make people feel sorry for them, posting stupid stuff (pictures of alcohol when you are clearly underage) posting your whole personal life it's annoying, and not to mention it makes us all look bad! SPECIALLY if you get down to the level of arguing and fighting over social networking!!! and if you ask me that is immature and naive!! 

As a milso lets please keep in mind the things we do or post, and how we act because we don't know who is watching, or reading, who it might hurt or even offend or who's life we can be putting in danger for posting the wrong thing! COME ON LADIES we are classier than this!!!! 

 On that note is time for me to go bed, it's been a long day!!!!!  But I found this so I thought I share! :) 

Ay Dios mio!!!!!!!! 0_o

 So it's been a busy past couple of days, with Valentines day and going back to work. I must say I have the most amazing husband in the world. He got beautiful white roses, an amazing card, and an iPad! :) He had a whole perfect night planned our for us. Unfortunately he received last minute orders, saying he needed to go and do night shooting along with other Airman, so we had to cancel our plans. Some of the perks of being a Military family, you never know when duty calls. It was okay though I understood, we can always make it up...When in the military we have to understand, what they say goes even if it means canceling your plans. He came home so upset, I needed to sit him down and talk to him and let him know that I was not mad at all, some times things happened and it is what it is. Not to mention I would rather him get this training done and know what he is doing, then not do it, and something happen while he is deploy and him and his flight not be ready. It's better to miss one valentine's day together, then many more because God forbid something happened to him.
 While he was working all day I was looking at Pinterest (I am like addicted to it (: ) and I came across this picture of a military couple and the description said pre deployment pictures OpLove. I by accident clicked on it and it was this non profit organization that, get professional photographers, and they volunteer to take pre deployment pictures, and homecoming pictures of families with deploying members in the military. I fell in love with the idea and signed up for it, now TJ and I are having our pre deployment pictures taken here soon, I'm super excited!!.
  Yesterday Keirstin and I went out for dinner to a girls night!! and it was great we talked about everything lol after dinner we went  into the store called Ten thousand Villages and we fell in love!!!!! We wanted to buy everything lol, we decided that we were going to go back once we move, so that we can buy decoration stuff for the apartment. After that, we went to Target because I needed to pick up some things for Tj since he just got his small pox shot, and we ended up going pillow crazy and we bought  2 pillows each!!! :D


  Yesterday was a every interesting day, sometimes in life you have to postpone things because others happen, with being a military wife that is a constant things happening. In you life your husband, his carrier and the military have to come before you, and that is a fact. I want to get started with my life and start to follow my dreams, but it seems that every time it's about to happen something happens where it can't happen! Every since I was in school I said I was going to go into the Air Force and I was going to become an officer. For one reason or the other I was not able to do it when I got out of High School, Tj decided he wanted to join so I was not able to continue because it would have been too hard since we were just engaged and not being married we could have been a bad idea. I decided to let him go and follow his dream and I can always come back to it. Unfortunately we were station in VA and there is not a single college that has my degree so I was disappointed, I looked into everything. So I talked to TJ and together we made the decision that I should go Air National Guard. Is still the Air Force but I would belong to the State of Virginia I would be based here in Langley, and I would only be doing one weekend a month and 2 weeks out of the year. It worked perfect!! because I would get my school paid for, I would be following my dream to be in the Air Force and I would not have to worry about not being based with the hubby. Once I got my degree he would already have his and both of us could enlist as officers. We were super excited!! we knew that a few months apart would be better than several. I started to go through the process and two weeks later we found out he was deploying....As many of you wives know the enlisting process is a long one and it can take several months before I would be going to basic. Doing some math with my recruiter we can to the conclusion that I would be going to basic while Tj is deployed, or when he is getting back... I didn't know what I wanted should I just wait it out and once again put my dreams on hold so that TJ can do what he needs to do, and I can be here for him when he get back to deployment? I just didn't know what I wanted it was such a hard decision to make and of course I wanted to talk to him and he said " Follow your dreams baby, don't stop because of me because you know I will always be here" that didn't really help. I was happy because the recruiter said that it would take 3 weeks before I heard back from MEPS saying I was medically pre qualified, I thought I had time to think it all over and make sure that this was okay! AND yesterday I got the text message " Hey, you are approved" I was scared frustrated I didn't know how to respond! I didn't know what to do go and start my dreams, or stay back and not do it? They don't have the job I want available anyway....I talked to TJ  and when I explained to him my feelings I can see the disappointment is his eyes, because he wants me to follow my dreams and not stop because of him. That more then anything hurt me!! After giving it a log thought, we decided that I was going to do it. My MEPS day is now March 4 while he is away in training, I would be taking my ASVAB and doing my Physical on the same day there is no turning back after that....
  You know, we can never plan things in life to go the way you want them to go, as much as I want to be the perfect house wife, and be here for my husband and all, sometimes is just not possible. With being married you now have to think about the two of you and make the decisions together and what is best for both of us. With the military you never know how things are going to happen, but all you can do is always be prepared for the worse, and know that at any giving time or moment anything can happen. It will be hard if things turn out where I leave when he is coming back or as he is getting ready to come back, but it will be worth in the long run. Sometimes we have to look at the big picture and with both of us having a steady paycheck it would be better feature guaranteed when we decide to start a family... I rather take the risk, and find out what is in store for me than to always wonder what if? or saying I should have...

Valentine's day!

  AHHHH love is in the air!!! :) So the hubby said that we have plans for today! but he would not tell me what we are doing. :( This is our first Valentine's day together as a married couple :) and because he is deploying soon I wanted to make it super super extra special!! I decided that I was going to cook him a fancy 3 course meal! :)
  The menu:
Appetizer- Bruschetta on top of toasted french bread!
Main meal- Sirloin Steak with balsamic glaze on top of a bed of rice, with carrots :)
His favorite drink- Shirley Temple
Dessert: I baked chocolate cupcakes filled with Peanut Butter and others with Nutella! (his favorite too)

   It was a super easy meal to make :) I made it all myself and he enjoyed it soooo much I have never seen him enjoy a meal so much!! It really made my day. After dinner we sat and watched some TV, because he had a long day he fell asleep on my shoulder, I thought it was the cutest thing ever. Now a days I don't take anything he does for granted, not being ale to see him for so long is going to SUCK!!! So I appreciate the little things he does.
   I order my second name tape bracelet yesterday, I'm so excited for it to come in!! I bought from this website because they are really cute and because a percentage of the profits go to Wounded Warrior Project, one of the our favorite organizations.
 I was thinking yesterday, if it wasn't for the situation that I am in I would have never met all the wonderful women that have crossed my way. I would never have talked to a stranger on the internet unless I new them.  The military has giving me the opportunity  to meet women all over the United States, who understand what I am going through because they are going through it themselves. I have become really close to this girl that I have met on Instagram, by complete accident!! I am so glad I met her though because we will be neighbors and we get along just great. Many people will never understand how you can become close friends with someone that you don't even know, but just like any situation in the military, you have to be there to understand, because no one will ever understand.

Ugh...so tired!

So, yesterday was a super busy day!! I cleaned all day, and later that night my friend Keirstin and I wanted to do an early valentines day dinner for her boyfriend and my hubby! :) It turned out great!! I thought her how to cook chicken fettuccine Alfredo :) and I cook some pasta with home made meat sauce(TJs favorite). After that we had some brownies, I've been in the mood to bake a lot lately which I love to do! We watched the walking dead and then they went home. I was so tired! All I wanted was sleep I fell asleep at 11 was up by 1:30am and could not fall asleep for my life!! I had to take the hubby to work at 0400 and I fell asleep right at 0300. I was so tired! I had to work today 0700 to 1500 on less then 2 hours of sleep!! Worse thing ever!! Do not want it to happen again! I have to say being a military wife is not the easiest job sometimes, but I wouldn't change it for anything!
Besides the no sleep! I've been working out so that I can get in shape and meet the weight requirement for the Airforce :) but I have to say with a hubby that can eat all he wants and not gain a pound is hard to keep up with it!! :( but I am sooooooo speed from working out it even hurts to laugh!! Lol! :) but a little pain is good I suppose, it most mean I am doing something right :)

It's 2026 and I can't believe, I am ready to pass out and go to sleep... :/

I found this on the web today and I love it!!!

In laws are here!! :D

   I must say I love my in-laws they are the best. I was blessed with such sweet people, they really are like my parents not just my in-laws, but like any other spouse, I still get nervous when they come and want to have everything perfect.
   They decided to come this weekend because my father in-law leaves for Afghanistan here soon and since Tj is leaving soon too,  he won't see him until like October! :( but anyway, since they are here I want to cook food because eating out all the time it's not healthy!! Plus I love to cook! so here I am 0702 trying to find a good recipe for chicken wraps! lol I'm thinking I can cook it while my hubby and his dad go to Bass Pro Shops to do their father-son thing and I can stay back with my mother in law and cook. There are so many good recipes out I can't decide on which one!!!! ahhhhhh!! :D

   Lunch was a success I ended up making, Chicken wraps with french fries! They loved it and for dessert I made brownies with ice cream and caramelized walnuts. My father in-law loved it soooooo much that he had seconds!! :)

  On a side note a few of our friends deployed today, :( It will be a while until we see them again. I have to say I started to feel like this people are my family and to know they are deployed and could be in danger, scares me a little bit. :(
   Today for some reason I feel like its getting closer for my hubby to leave, and it hurts a little every day and every time I think about it I wonder "How am I going to deal with it?" "Will I be able to make it through this without going insane?" I'm scared since it's our first deployment. I would like to think that I will be okay though. He leaves for training for two week and that will be my first time I will be without him since after tech school, this will be a little taste of what it's going to be like. My friend Keirstin and I decided that we were going to keep each other company so that we don't go crazy lol. I'm sure we are going to have our girl nights reading Nicholas Sparks books and watching the movies LOL!!

  Though there is a lot of changes coming my way, I am excited about them, and what's in store for me!

My First Post lol

   So I have always wanted to create a blog, but just could not figure out how. Until a friend of mine finally convinced me to do it. She is a Milso as well. I figure hey why not it might help me deal with my husband deploying, and all the changes that the military life brings.

  God where to start!! hahaha Life is definitely different for a milso. i never thought I was going to be one, but love never goes as planned, and here I am super happy and married to the man of my dreams, and my best-friend. My husband Tj and I met way back when we were in high school our 9th grade year. When he decided that he wanted to enlist in the Air Force full time was a big decision because we knew, a lot of changes would come. We went through the whole process together, I would write him everyday while he was at basic training, two weeks before he graduated we decided to get married the weekend of his graduation because, we wanted to be at his first duty station together. (He had already popped the question before he left to basic :) ) I was able to live for 2 months in Texas and see Tj while he would go through Security Forces tech school, which was a blessing. When he was done with tech school we moved to our first duty station Langley AFB!!! And our life together began, along with planning our official wedding!!!! :D

  January 26, 2013 we had our official wedding and it was amazing!! After months of none stop planing everything turned out perfect it was such a beautiful day. It really was my Cinderella wedding!

 Three days after our wedding, we found out he would be deploying!! :(( and so the preparations of getting ready to be without my husband for 180+ days began.....